How important is it that your child has high self esteem? If you’re like most parents, this is one of your main goals for your child. Generally speaking, self-esteem is how one feels about oneself. As parents, we typically have the goal of raising children who feel positively about themselves and how they manage their lives; this is self confidence. These terms are often used interchangeably since each depends on the other. One of our challenges as parents is to help our children by exposing them to a variety of situations where they learn to assess, make decisions and problem solve. How we provide these challenges and coach our children in responding to them is an important step in the development of self esteem.
One of the key ingredients we can provide is to love, appreciate and be grateful for who they are at this very minute. This doesn’t mean a constant stream of “you’re the smartest kid in the world” but a genuine appreciation for who the child is and being with them as they grow and develop. By providing emotional safety through affirmation and discipline, children are able to feel more comfortable in exploring the world around them. Through this exploration, they learn independence, self reliance, problem solving and critical thinking skills.
A mistake that can be made is doing things for our children in order to reduce their stress or ours. Sometimes we will do things for our kids rather than allowing them the discomfort of having to figure the thing out for themselves. A simple example is that of getting a coat on and learning to zip it up. There is a time in every child’s life that this is a challenging task and it’s often easier as a parent to just get them in and zipped up. But, at some point we want our child to be able to do this on their own and it’s only practice that is going to develop this skill. By “saving” our children from the discomfort of learning a new task, we send the message that we aren’t sure they can do it for themselves. This is why patience is such a critical parenting skill. Our kids need to learn at their developmental level. This always takes time and as they master one skill, there are always new ones to learn. And, of course, the skills tend to get more complicated as our kids mature.
It can be very challenging to sit back and watch your child fail in a situation. It’s critical to separate your own feelings and needs from your child’s. Growth often comes from adversity and self confidence from knowing that you’ve worked hard at something. It is our job to allow our children to face a variety of these difficult moments so they can learn the lesson that life is not always fair and we don’t always win or get the outcome we hoped for. Again, it is by experiencing these moments with the support of a parent that a child learns self confidence and self trust.
Here are some helpful comments to use with your child to promote self-esteem:
- You have interesting ideas.
- Let’s try again.
- I wonder if there’s another way to solve this?
- How do you feel about this? How would you like to feel when it’s done?
- I understand you’re upset or angry; what can we do about it?
- I hope you’re proud of yourself for working hard at that.
- I’m proud of you for doing your best.
- You handled that situation well.
- What do you think about that?
- What do you think you did well? What do you think you could work harder at?
Barb has specialized working with children of all ages and their families for 18 years. She is licensed in the state of Michigan and has her National accreditation. Barb practices at Lakeview Counseling, Lakeviewtc.com, and can be reached at 929.0300 x102 or barbcain@lakeviewtc.com.
